They Fight Crime
by GigaBob
Summary: PBG is a rookie detective. Roses is a femme fatale. Together... they fight crime.


The moon peeked over the skyline of the city-state of Kickassia, pale and ovoid like a cosmic hard-boiled egg. The frigid winter winds carried flecks of snow through the streets and alleys of the bustling city, which had seceded from the United States a few years ago. Under the careful eye of President-For-Life N. Bison, it had grown into a bustling metropolis... but the stench of corruption permeated every last brick.

It was a tough, no-nonsense city where dog ate dog just to survive. And that wasn't just metaphorical, either; PeanutButterGamer (or just PBG for short) saw two mangy dogs fighting over a scrap of food in the alley outside his office. It was perfect... almost too perfect. Almost as if some long-since-forgotten deity with a poor sense of humour had engineered events just so to have those dogs fighting at this specific point in time, just to emphasize PBG's inner monologue. He decided to ignore it.

PBG drained the last of his coffee mug. It was cold and gritty, just like the rest of the city outside his frosted window. The coffee maker sat unused on a counter to the right; he'd forgotten to pick up more grounds today, so he'd have to go without. Or he could stop at one of the many fast-food places that had moved into Kickassia in the past few years, but money was tight this time of year, and he couldn't afford to spend it on trivial matters.

His computer was taking ages to boot up. He'd recently switched to a proprietary OS designed by Insanocorp, but it'd given him nothing but trouble. A string of letters and numbers popped up on the black monitor, followed by "ERROR CODE 04012010". Damn. Well, at least it was still under warranty.

PBG walked into the kitchen adjacent to his office and threw the empty mug into the sink, setting it atop two days' worth of dirty dishes. But for a bachelor, two days of dirty dishes was still comparatively little. He grabbed an apple from the fridge and bit into it as he walked back into his office, which was just his living room with a desk and a few filing cabinets. G-Files Investigations didn't make enough money for him to rent out a proper office building, but that would just be another expense added to the many he was already paying.

What had inspired him to start a detective agency in this place anyways? Well, he was filling a niche; the police force was mostly incompetent, and the few good officers were stuck in Profion's Kitchen in the north end. The Famikamen Rider and other costumed vigilantes took care of the petty criminals on the streets, but they were hardly endorsed by the city. PBG worked within the law if at all possible; he viewed it both as a challenge and a safety net, though he knew that the cops could probably arrest him on false charges if he took a wrong step.

A knock on the door. He didn't have any appointments tonight, but he was always willing to take walk-ins. He threw the apple core in the garbage and answered the door.

A red-haired woman dressed in a long coat stood on his "Welcome" mat, shivering in the cold. "Mr. PBG?" she asked.

"Yeah, that's me. Come in."

PBG stood aside as the woman stepped into his porch. She took off her heavy winter gear; he noted that she was dressed in a long crimson evening gown for some reason. He led her into his office, and she made herself comfortable on the couch against the wall as he sat behind his desk.

"So how can I help you tonight, miss?" PBG asked.

"Well, I..." she stammered. She was still shivering from the cold.

"Would you like something to drink?" he asked. "I don't have any coffee, but I can boil some water for tea."

"No, that's okay." she said. "I really shouldn't be here at all, but well, I need to hire your services..."

"Say no more." PBG had heard that line more times than he cared to count. After all, his main source of income came from tailing unfaithful spouses and reporting to their significant others. "So who's your husband?"

"What?" The woman seemed confused. "No, I'm not married. But I've heard that you're good at, er, finding secrets."

"And what do you mean by that?"

"Um, I... Oh, I didn't introduce myself. I'm Roses."

"Roses?" PBG had heard the name before, but he'd never directly seen her. She was a programmer at Insanocorp and an apparently influential member of the upper-class Baugh Heights area in the center of the city, though she hadn't done anything notable enough to get on his radar.

"Yes, that's right." Roses said. "You've heard of me?"

"I've heard the name once or twice." PBG admitted. "So what's this about secrets?"

"Well... Have you heard of Todd In The Shadows?"

"Of course." PBG said. Todd was the Kingpin of Kickassia - he'd appeared shortly after Kickassia's secession and taken control of the city's drug trade. No living soul had seen his face, hence his 'In The Shadows' moniker; almost everyone suspected him of being an alter-ego to someone else in the city, but he'd gone to great lengths to hide his alternate identity, if indeed he had one.

"I... I think I know who he is." Roses said. "But I need your help to confirm my suspicions."

"I see." PBG said. On one hand, getting anywhere near Todd (or whoever he was otherwise) was tantamount to suicide. On the other hand... "How much are you going to pay me?"

"Name your price. Money is no object."

"...100,000 Bison dollars." PBG said.

"Done. I'll wire 50,000 to you in the morning." Roses said.

PBG was honestly surprised that she agreed; he regretted not naming a higher price. "Okay then," he said. "Who do you think he is?"

"...Paw Dugan." she said.

"Who's he?" PBG asked. The name didn't sound familiar at all.

"He lives in Baugh Heights." Roses said. "He doesn't seem to have a day job, but he's always buying expensive gifts for me."

"So you want me to see if he's trustworthy before you start dating him?" PBG chuckled.

"No, it's not like that at all!" Roses said. "We knew each other before we moved to Kickassia, but he... he changed a couple of years ago. I, I think that Todd took over him somehow."

"Is that so?" PBG said. "Well, I'll see what I can do-"

PBG was interrupted by another knock on his door. He excused himself and answered the door again, only to be greeted by a tall man wearing a white robe and hood.

"You're PBG, right?" the man asked.

"Yeah, but I'm-"

"You've been snooping in Todd's business. He doesn't like that. We're here to make sure you get the message." The Klansman grabbed a wooden club from underneath his robe and swung it, but PBG caught it mid-swing and ripped it from the man's hands. But before he could use it, the Klansman's meaty fingers closed around PBG's neck.

A gunshot rang out, temporarily deafening PBG. The Klansman's grip instantly loosened as he fell over, a single bullet hole right between his eyeholes. PBG looked behind him to see Roses holding a revolver that she'd procured from... somewhere.

"Shit, they're onto us!" Roses said. "Sorry, I was going to get to that. Todd has a bunch of Klansmen elite bodyguards under his control."

"Er... what?" PBG said.

"Yeah, I know. I didn't believe it at first either." Roses said. "The important thing is, we've gotta get out of here."

More Klansmen, somewhat unhappy with Roses murdering their friend, rushed up the sidewalk to PBG's house. He donked a few of them on the head while Roses outright shot them. It didn't take long for them to dispatch the supposedly-elite bodyguards, though that probably owed more to the inverse ninja law than any martial skill on PBG's part.

"Wonderful." PBG said. "So Todd's out for my skin now. That's just great."

"I'm sorry for involving you in this." Roses said as she put her coat back on.

"No, it's alright." PBG said. "I've kinda always wanted to be a vigilante anyways. Come with me, I know a guy who can help us lay low for a while."

PBG quickly threw some clothes into a suitcase and grabbed his wallet. He was running on instinct; he knew that they'd probably torch his house in retaliation, but he didn't have time to worry about his stuff. They needed to get out of here, and fast.

PBG threw on his coat, and he and Roses slipped into the alley beside his house. The two fighting dogs had long since left, probably scared off by the gunshots, but their epic battle had left blood splattered on the walls and pavement. The wind had thankfully died down, but the light flurry from before had intensified, and it only seemed to get thicker as they continued on; all the better to mask their escape with.

About 20 minutes later, PBG and Roses came across a nondescript wooden house. He knocked on the door, and was greeted by a man with a green burd on his shoulder.

"Hey, PBG." JonTron said. "Something smells like bigotry. Is that you?"

"Yeah, it's a long story." PBG said. "Uh, this is Roses. Mind if we come in?"

"Yeah, sure." Jon said. PBG and Roses darted into the empty house; it lacked any furnishings or anything that would designate it as someone's home.

"What is this place?" Roses asked.

"Jon's a weapon smuggler, and he's pretty big in the Kickassian underground." PBG said. He didn't mention anything about him being... a bit weird, but she'd figure that out soon enough. "But don't worry, I trust him with my life."

"Yeah, me and PBG go way back." Jon said as he led them into the basement. "So who attacked you guys? Nazis?"

"Klansmen." Roses said.

"Ha! I knew it!" Jon said excitedly. "Okay Jacques, I believe you owe me 10 bucks!"

The bird on Jon's shoulder chirped.

"What do you mean, you can't pay up?" Jon said. "Then where'd you get the money for that hooker, huh?"

"Uh..." Roses started to speak up, but PBG silently shushed her. They continued further and further down the stairs, far deeper than the basement had any right to be; after a good few minutes of descending into the depths, they came across a large steel door, which Jon unlocked via retina and fingerprint scanners.

"So what do you guys want?" Jon asked, pointing out the racks and shelves of weapons within the concrete bunker. "Swords? Guns? Grenades? I think I might even have some magic wands somewhere, though they're probably outta charge."

"Guns, preferably." PBG said. He took a couple of handguns off of a rack, though they felt rather light.

"And ammo, too." Roses said, still holding her revolver. "Actually, it might not be a bad idea to have a backup melee weapon just in case."

"I've got plenty!" Jon said. "Good thing I stocked up all these weapons. I knew it'd be a plot point eventually."

But they were interrupted by a loud explosion above them.

"It's the end, guys! Jacques... hold me!" Jon ducked into another room and locked the door tight behind him, leaving Roses and PBG to fend for themselves. Fortunately for them, they had properly loaded their weapons, and they were ready for a fight.

Several Klansmen came charging down the stairs. But they were equipped with mere clubs, while PBG and Roses had plenty of bullets with which to shoot them dead. Once the men were good and dead, they carefully stepped over the bodies and ran upstairs.

"GET THEM!" shrieked a high-pitched male voice. The Klansmen standing at the top of the stairs threw their clubs downward, but they were completely ineffectual. Roses, the better shot of the pair, shot the men in the legs, causing them to topple backwards into their comrades. PBG took out their replacements while Roses reloaded.

The back half of Jon's house had been destroyed by some sort of explosion, and the rest of it didn't look like it was going to be standing for much longer. PBG stepped over the dead Klansmen and ran onto the street, where he was confronted by even more men, as well as their leader, who had decided to assume the costume and mannerisms of Terl from Battlefield Earth for some reason.

"SKIN THE FILTHY MAN-ANIMALS ALIVE!" Terl ordered. The Klansmen, still only armed with clubs, advanced on PBG, but he unloaded the rest of his handgun bullets into them. He didn't have time to reload them, so he just chucked the guns to the side and pulled out the rifle attached to his back. Roses came out from behind and finished off the rest of the Klansmen before PBG could fire the rifle.

"Who are you?" PBG asked.

"I AM TERL!" Terl exclaimed loudly. "YOU ARE WANTED BY THE KINGPIN OF KICKASSIA!"

"Okay then." Roses said, discarding her guns. "Take us to him."

"GLADLY! BUT DISCARD YOUR WEAPONS FIRST!" Terl said.

"How about you take us to him, and we won't blow your brains out?" PBG said, advancing on Terl with his rifle pointed squarely at the latter's chest. Terl shrugged, and he led them through the streets, into a back alley. He pressed a seemingly-random brick, and a part of the wall slid away, revealing a door.

They descended into the darkness.

Some time later, they finally came to the end of the staircase, which ended at the beginning of a hallway. At the end of the hallway was a large dark room, with only a couple of blue flame torches on either side of the room.

"I HAVE BROUGHT THEM TO YOU!" Terl said. "NOW PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"

"Go." PBG pointed the butt of his rifle at the hallway, and Terl gladly ran away.

"Okay, Paw. I know you're here." Roses said. "Come out."

The blue flames flared, lighting more of the room. In the very middle of the room was a simple wooden chair; sitting upon it was indeed Paw Dugan, grinning like a madman.

"I figured you were on to me, Roses." Paw said. "But I didn't expect you to recruit him to help you."

"No." Roses said, scrutinizing Paw's face. "You're not him. You're... different."

"Very perceptive." Paw stood up, and before their eyes, morphed into an exact doppelganger of N. Bison. "Your friend Paw never made it to Kickassia. He had an unfortunate accident."

"Wait, you're a shapeshifter?" PBG said. The simple fact that it made sense almost disturbed PBG; after all, this was the real world, right? No magic, no ghosts or werewolves or aliens... right?

"'Shapeshifter'? Yes, perhaps." Todd said, shifting form again into a granite monument depicting a man and woman framed by the Sun. "But a more accurate term would be shape-assumer..."

Todd began to laugh as tendrils of dark energy shot from the statues' eyes. PBG and Roses dodge-rolled, but one of the tendrils wrapped around PBG's legs. It dragged him toward the statue, which had morphed into a hideous green monster with an enormous toothy maw, but PBG desperately pointed his rifle and fired at the creature. Its incomprehensible roar seemed to indicate pain, and it was distracted long enough for Roses to throw a grenade into its mouth.

PBG grabbed the machete on his belt and severed the tendril around his leg, which quickly faded into nothing once seperated from its master. He and Roses ran back into the hallway as the grenade exploded, destroying the horrifying green monster... but they knew that it had done nothing to the real Todd.

Sure enough, when they looked back, they saw a formless mass of dark mist hovering in the middle of the room. It laughed again.

"You'll have to do better than that to kill me." Todd said.

"Wait!" PBG had an idea. "Cover me, Roses!"

"What, why?"

"Just trust me!" PBG handed his rifle to Roses as he ran back into the dark room. More dark tendrils shot out of Todd's 'body', but Roses severed each and every one with her improbable aiming skills. PBG grabbed one of the blue torches and waved it at Todd, who hissed and retracted from the fire.

"I get it!" Roses ran over and grabbed the other torch, and they both advanced on Todd. He assumed another physical form, but Roses shot him in the head with the rifle, forcing him back into his natural form. They pushed him into the corner, and his misty form evaporated into thin air as he was exposed to the blue light.

"Mercy... mercy!" Todd pleaded between pained hisses.

"No!" PBG shoved the torch right in Todd's face. He let out one last wail as his body dissipated into nothingness, finally killing the monster that had once been known as Todd.

They dropped the blue torches and stared at one another for a good few minutes.

"I think we did it." PBG said.

"Yeah." Roses agreed. "So... what now?"

"Well, there's still a lot of crime in this city." PBG said. "And if I'm going to become a vigilante, I could always use a sidekick."

"Me, your sidekick?" Roses said. "More like you're my sidekick."

"No, I'm definitely the Batman of this pair." PBG said.

"How about we compromise with... partners?" Roses suggested.

"Yeah, okay, that works." PBG said. "Well then... let's fight some crime."

* * *

"I WAS SUCCESSFUL!" Terl exclaimed. He was standing in a lavish office, giving a report to a silhouette behind a desk.

"Excellent..." The silhouette twiddled his fingers. "And what about Jacques? Was he neutralized?"

"UNCONFIRMED, SIR!" Terl said. "BUT WE WILL BEGIN DIGGING OUT THE VAULT IMMEDIATELY!"

"Don't bother." the silhouette said. "Him and his human will be long gone by now. Instead, I want you to keep an eye on our two new crimefighters..."

"YES SIR!" Terl saluted the mysterious man, and marched out of the office while talking to himself about conquering galaxies with spelling bees. The mysterious man grinned; Todd had grown a bit too big for his britches, and so he had to be removed from this plane of existence. Hopefully, these two would prove to be a bit more useful before their expiration dates...


End file.
